Category Archives: Pop Culture

May 15 2011
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Poetry, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, Writing

1st Annual Fortune Cookie of the Damned Fortune Writing Contest


On behalf of the Imaginary Board of Trustees, it is my honor and privilege to announce our 1st Annual Fortune Cookie of the Damned Fortune Writing Contest.

In this test of skill and conciseness, readers contribute (hopefully) clever fortune or fortunes of their own creation to me via email to jhdouc@verizon.net – not in the comments, please – and I take them and turn them into clunky, iPhoto-ed fortunes, such as the one above, and republish them here.

I’m looking for funny fortunes. Clever fortunes. Poetic fortunes. Silly fortunes. Sad fortunes. Angry fortunes. Your hopes and dreams, your fears and foibles. Whatever way you want to approach it. It just has to fit on a fortune slip, so please keep it to about 30 words or less. I’m open to cartoons, photos, or artwork, even – it just has to fit into a fortune cookie fortune sized space. For example, a font freak might go with this:

There will be modest prizes of my choosing, including first-edition, signed books by authors previously featured on this blog. Three winners will get prizes. I’ll probably publish more than three fortunes, but if you aren’t one of the three winners identified specifically as winner you won’t get a prize. I’m not saying you’re not a winner. Because you’re a winner. You just may not be a winner in this contest. Respect to the math.

If I get enough good entries, I’ll post a bunch of them here. If I don’t get any entries, we’ll just get on with our lives and pretend this never happened. Won’t speak of it. Won’t betray the shame. Won’t even make eye contact. Like after that thing in the summer of 1996.

The Imaginary Counsel to the Imaginary Board of Trustees would now like us to mention a few things under the banner of housekeeping. I now turn this post over to The Expositrope 9000, keeper of helpful information, boilerplate and disclaimers:

Greetings, Readers. I am The Expositrope 9000, keeper of helpful information, boilerplate and disclaimers. Confused? Let The Expisitrope 9000 explain. Ha ha ha. That was a joke.

Here is another joke. I, The Expositrope 9000, just flew in from Reno. Golly, are the arms of The Expositrope 9000 tired. Ha ha ha. I, The Expositrope 9000, do not hear you laughing. I, The Expositrope 9000, wonder if this imaginary microphone I am pretending to hold is on.

Now I, The Expositrope 9000, will now relay the rules of entry:

  1. All entries must be received by 11:59 p.m., June 15, via email to jhdouc@verizon.net. That’s the only way to enter. Comments are appreciated, and you can leave as many or few as your puny human flesh can handle, but those will not be considered for the contest. On this, I, The Expositrope 9000, am firm.
  2. Please include your name as you want it to appear on the blog, as well as what you do for a living, and your town and state of residence. Understand that this information may be published along with your entry.
  3. If you have a problem with having your hometown or full name on the blog, please include this in the email containing an entry/or entries. The Internet can be a scary place. Just let the author of this blog know.
  4. Submit entries in the text of your email to the author of this blog via jhdouc@verizon.net. You may submit by emailing files in the .doc, .docx, or .pdf formats. Please enter artwork in the .jpg or .png formats only. If you submit artwork in the .pdf format, it will lose a generation or two before it reaches the blog, and therefore will look lame.
  5. By entering, you agree to let the author of this blog publish your fortune, giving you and your fragile human ego full credit.
  6. As odd as it may be to state amid a come-on for such an unoriginal contest, please don’t plagiarise. The author of this blog tends to check for that sort of thing.
  7. This blog is for what puny humans call fun. This contest is for fun. Please keep it in that spirit.
  8. If you are related to the author of this blog by blood or marriage, you can’t win a prize, but you can still have a fortune published. I, The Expositrope 9000, hereby explain to you that the author of this blog is married, and has been for some time. You snooze, you lose.
  9. There will be three winners, all chosen by the author of this blog. It is totally subjective. Know that going in. Heed me, puny  bags of meat and bone. I, The Expositrope 9000, speak truth!

I, The Expositron 9000, will now relay the Rules of Civility:

  1. Don’t attack an individual, unless it’s the author of this blog. If that’s your bag, at least be funny about it.
  2. Please don’t use curse words. I, The Expositrope 9000, am not impressed by your potty mouth. I, The Expositrope 9000, have heard it all.
  3. No fortunes that are profane, sexually graphic, racist, etc., will see the electrons of day here. If you wouldn’t say it to your mom, don’t send it; if you send it anyway, don’t expect it to be acknowledged. If your mom is a bigot, think about what you would say to someone else’s mom so long as this other mom is not a bigot.
I, The Expositrope 9000, will now relay gratuitous exposition unrelated to the contest at issue above:
  1. There is so little that is known about Agent X. You might say he is a mysterious fellow with unclear motives … at least for now.
  2. Agent X makes his own rules by taking your rules and breaking them … emotionally. What a mysterious fellow with unclear motives.
  3. What could Agent X possibly want with our large pharmaceutical and venture capital conglomerate? Could it be the runoff at Sunny Creek? Could that be it? Boy. How does he know?
  4. Could it be that he is from there? Hand me that high school year book that happens to be on the table. Thank you. Flippity flippity flip. Gasp. No. It can’t be. It’s him. It’s really him. It’s Agent X. There, in the marching band photo. Sunny Creek High, Class of ’01!
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Apr 19 2011
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Interviews, Journalism, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, Writing

Belligerent Q&A, Vol. V: Three People Who Have Not Seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail + One Who Has


Dozens of Americans cannot calculate the airspeed velocity of unladen swallows, identify witches beyond the shadow of a doubt, or deal with the French.

They live with a secret shame – they have never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Some of them will even try to hide the secrecy of their shame by talking about it when you ask them to do that.

To prepare this very special Belligerent Q&A, I traded emails and Facebook messages with three people who have never seen the movie. To ground this live wire of an endeavor, I also questioned one person who has seen this film.

Q. Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he (or she) see. What is your name?

My name is Judy.

Q: What is your quest?

I’d love to find our missing iPod Touch.

Q: What is your favorite color?

My favorite color is green.

Right. Off you go.

When Judy Le of Norfolk, Va., isn’t successfully crossing the Bridge of Death and thus avoiding being hurled into the volcanic gorge below, she is the assistant director of presentation overseeing joint ventures at The Virginian-Pilot, the finest newspaper in the great Commonwealth of Virginia. She noted:

I haven’t seen the movie because I don’t have a good sense of that kind of humor.

Next …

Q: What is your name?

Elisabeth Anne.

Q: What is your quest?

My quest, my quest, to find the Holy Grail/and this, and this I shall not fail.

Q: What is the capital of Assyria?

(Overly expressive language omitted.)

Q: What is the capital of Assyria?

Sigh. Bassyria, seriously.

Elisabeth Anne King, who taught second graders for 10 years, now runs a daycare center. She lives in Westerly, R.I., when she is not being hurled into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

Would have accepted Assur. Also Ninevah. Possibly Nimrud. Shubat-Enlil is pushing it. So are Kalhu (the ancient name of Nimrud) and Dur-Sharrukin. But there were options, you see.

Q: Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he (or she) see. What is your name?`

Andrea. Is that it?

Q: That’s just the first question. What is your quest?

Worldwide women’s freedom of oppression.

Q: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

That is not an important piece of trivia I would know. However, I would guess 30 mph.

P.S. That question is weird.

When not being hurled into the gorge, Andrea Wells Latham of Virginia Beach, Va., is co-owner of Ice Art Inc.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing David Kidd, a scholar from Norfolk, Va.

Q: What is your name?

I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Or you can call me David, beloved of the LORD. Doesn’t get much better than that for epithets.

Q: What is your quest?

I seek the faulty Brazil – or whatever other cool mistake auto corrections can give.

Q: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

(A long period of Facebook silence follows; Kidd is dealing with his kids.)

Q: Dave?

Wha – An African swallow or a European swallow?

Q: I don’t know — (Thrown into gorge.)

Le, King, and Latham, will receive a DVD copy of a film they obviously need to see – Places in the Heart, starring Sally Field, Danny Glover, Ed Harris, and John Malkovich, who acts with his customary subtlety and grace as Mr. Will.

Just kidding. Monty Python and the Holy Grail it is. And just in the nick of time.

Kidd, meanwhile, will have the glory of second-hand quotes to keep him warm.

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Mar 24 2011
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Music, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, Why We Have the Internet, Writing

Why We Have the Internet, Vol. III: <$20M Need Not Apply Edition


Second from the right above. Red tie. Yeah, him.

Gene Simmons wants to insure you as only the god of thunder and rock’n’roll can do.

The KISS bassist and businessman has joined forces with a financial services group. This is a real thing for about a year now. The Internet says, so I’m 51 percent sure.

First, some palate-cleansing KISS haiku.

No more tomorrow.

Time is today. Girl, I can

make you feel okay.

— ‘Love Gun‘ by KISS (1977)

Did I make you feel okay? Did I take you somewhere, such as the wide expanse of real estate roughly in the middle of good and bad? You’re welcome, baby.

Okay, Paul Stanley actually wrote that one. And Paul Stanley doesn’t have to shoot for the stars when there’s a Hardees around the corner.

But Gene Simmons is the awesome one. He breathes fire. Spits blood. Wears platform shoes so motivated it’s like he’s walking around on two little stages.

He isn’t kidding around:

Turn it up. Hungry

for the medicine. Two-fisted

to the very end.

— ‘I Love It Loud’ by KISS (1982)

Gene Simmons is so mighty he makes you break the rules of poetry. When you try to make a haiku of his lyrics, the middle line doesn’t scan.

Anyways. Third from the left below.

In the gag version, the signatures aren’t under the right guys.

Look, Gene Simmons is classy. Ask Terry Gross. Just don’t try to click on the interview at NPR.org:

Audio for this segment is unavailable for legal reasons.

What is available?

Life insurance products for the wicked well-off via Cool Springs Life co-founder Gene Simmons.

I feel good about this.

Because Gene Simmons is the mastermind of merch. Books. TV. KISS fragrances. KISS collectible wine. KISS high performance ear buds. KISS logo trailer hitch covers. The Lord of Rock framed 24 karat gold-plated LP. KISS baby shoes (the extended tongue was a nice touch).

All fine and good.

But it takes more than KISS Destroyer diaper bag sales to keep Gene Simmons in cold cream.

Based in Franklin, Tenn., the (Cool Springs Life) is engaged in providing life insurance to wealthy Americans and foreign nationals through a proprietary premium finance platform known as ‘The Cool Springs Life Equity Strategy.’

Right on. Maybe I can do my part as a consumer. I could use some high cash value life insurance, for example. But I’d also like help arranging a loan to pay the premiums. Hmm.

Cool Springs Life partners with the most reputable and respected life insurance carriers to offer you access to products that can provide extraordinary cash value accumulation. These products have historically exceeded the projected borrowing costs for this product.

Just don’t waste anybody’s time, a near-haiku warns:

Cool Springs is designed

for individuals with …

over $20 million …

— ‘Request More Information’ by Cool Springs Life LLC (2011)

Nuts. Last line is over by a syllable. Meanwhile, I’m under by roughly $20 million.

At least, thanks to Gene Simmons and YouTube, I can rock out for free.

Let’s do this thing:

NPR interview hat tippage: Erim Foster at Erim.net

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Mar 21 2011
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Pop Culture, Uncategorized, Why We Have the Internet, Writing

Why we have the Internet, Vol. II: Disemboweled Tauntaun Edition


With George Lucas returning his Star Wars films, in 3-D, to theaters beginning next year, I’ve considered whether I should begin saving up for a ticket, rather than, let’s say, Old Dominion University tuition or food for my family.

Since I learned the first will be The Phantom Menace, I think I’m still state school-bound – in part, because I’ve found grad school as warming as the innards of an ice planet transport animal. Please click that link, and consider that this packaging come-on sounds an awful lot like sad, on-the-nose Star Wars dialogue:

Now with open belly rescue feature!

Because, you see, they redesigned it.

I suspect the problem with the The Phantom Menace is that – in addition to already being repackaged and redeployed to theaters a few short years after introducing the subatomic suck bomb of Jar Jar – it lacks the vision of improving certain tie-in toys by disemboweling them.

Still, Star Wars remains a cultural touchstone, though some of the most interesting ideas from the SW universe are not Lucas-originated. Also, they’re online. Consider what a gift it is …

To order this and deliver it unto me, S&H be damned.

To look at this whilst considering the progress of man as expressed by our arts.

To criticize this. And this. And this. Also, this. Oh, this, too.

And to pity the owner of this.

Did someone order this?

Mr. Internet keeps Star Wars interesting despite itself.

Hat tips: ThinkGeek, Awesome Internet Site, That’s Nerdalicious, Technabob, Geek.com, and the Star Wars Collector Archive

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