PORTSMOUTH, Va. — To get in the Labor Day mood and because the blog’s Wayback Machine recently was repossessed for non payment — yo, Imaginary Board of Directors, why do I pretend to bankroll you bums? — I’ve harnessed the power of the Internet to revisit the economic past.
This past has a soundtrack by one of Patrick Bateman‘s favorite bands.
Back we go to the days after a man changed his professional name to Huey Lewis because Hugh Anthony Cregg III and the Announcements of Certain Aspects of Events Most Pressing in Importance would not fit on the merch. Can you imagine the embroidered navy golf towel ($20), blue triangle laptop skin ($29.95) or the black ceramic coffee mug ($15) with all that on it? Neither could they. Then, a laptop was where you might let your steady gal rest oh-so chastely after the sock hop. T’was a simpler time. Even actors knew their place.
We’ve got a 9.1 percent unemployment these days, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. But, in 1982, there were tough economic times, too. The annual unemployment rate (though it cannot be exactly compared to the current rate for some reason involving statistics, data and blah blah blah) was 9.7 percent, and crept over 10 percent, as per The New York Times.
But then something happened. A man with a harmonica sang this:
Hundred dollar car note
Two hundred rent.
I get a check on Friday,
But it’s already spent.
Sports followed in 1983. It does not address the workplace. But the labor market was improving to the tune of “I Want A New Drug”:
Why do we work? Motivation. In 1987, Cregg & Co. released “Doing It All For My Baby.” This came amid a year of strong job gains, with a jobless rate of 6.2 percent. Unemployment even dipped below 6 percent, as The Monthly Labor Review reported the following year.
And 1987 also was one of the last recorded times a video showed its attractive model as little as possible in favor of a lead singer made up like an old man:
In 1991, the national unemployment rate had risen from 5.6 percent to 6.8 percent. With another recession afoot, America was pooped. It wanted “A Couple Days Off.”
Cregg & Co. were delighted to oblige.
Which brings us closer to our time, meaning the almost present, which is only now-ish if you are not reading this later in an amazingly farfetched future in which these meandering posts get as many hits as do Belligerent Q&As.
The year was 2007. A duet version of an old song features Lewis and … Chris Gaines himself! So be it.
Meanwhile, annual unemployment was at 4.6 percent. What could possibly go wrong? Some thought the U.S. economy would crash.
Today?
Well, I am pleased to announce that Cregg & Co. are on Twitter. Have been for days. Really. So we’ve got that.
Believe me when i tell you
It gets a little rough
We work a little harder
But it never is enough
Enjoy your weekend. It’s all gonna be okay. I’ve got a bead on a used DeLorean. I’ll go back and warn somebody. Or bet on sports.
P.S. Every bass player should look like Mario Cipollina.
John-Henry Doucette 
Why We Have the Internet, Vol. V: Smells so famitazic on the puplic [sic] edition
Such as Mesmerize® brand roll-on anti-persperent deodorant, a scent so alluring it sells for 99 cents online. Among its selling points? A promise:
And, dear customer, always remember:
It just so happens that I came into a little Mesmerize during a recent trip to the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. I can’t bring myself to let it go. The container is fun to look at — R2-D2’s head comes off to reveal a roll-on. And the name — as my poor family can attest — is really fun to say like Christopher Walken.
So I turned to the web to research this product, and I learned I am not alone in appreciating Mesmerize. The deodorant has garnered nine five-star reviews compared to a solitary one-star snivel.
Here’s Slaaneshgod of Great Falls, Mont., who will be back later in the post:
However, it is the parent spray cologne ($20; but now on sale for $12.99) — presumably the same scent as the roll-on — that draws out testimonials that totally are not written by people whose paycheck says Avon over the watermark.
A sampling follows. All spellings have been maintained in their natural form.
Katstuff of Ellenton, Fla., confides that even Bible study groups in the Sunshine State are selective because they have needs:
You’re going to get past this, BC92 of California:
Jack of Northern Indiana reminds us that it’s not how you find Mesmerize, but that you find Mesmerize:
Big Mike of Meadville, Pa., adds:
Reedj of Atlanta’s review:
Jacinto of New York, N.Y., thinks people actually want to feel this way:
And this one is from Philly:
Slaaneshgod of Great Falls, Mont., is back, and he may be bragging about his job:
Slaaneshgod is also apparently really into Warhammer. But which is it Slaaneshgod? Do you work in a strip club or with the puplic?
Playing us out is System of a Down. I was going to go with something off Mesmerize, but “Hypnotize” is a better song to celebrate the perfect scent for when you’re just sitting in your car and waiting for your girl: