John-Henry Doucette

Second from the right above. Red tie. Yeah, him.

Gene Simmons wants to insure you as only the god of thunder and rock’n’roll can do.

The KISS bassist and businessman has joined forces with a financial services group. This is a real thing for about a year now. The Internet says, so I’m 51 percent sure.

First, some palate-cleansing KISS haiku.

No more tomorrow.

Time is today. Girl, I can

make you feel okay.

— ‘Love Gun‘ by KISS (1977)

Did I make you feel okay? Did I take you somewhere, such as the wide expanse of real estate roughly in the middle of good and bad? You’re welcome, baby.

Okay, Paul Stanley actually wrote that one. And Paul Stanley doesn’t have to shoot for the stars when there’s a Hardees around the corner.

But Gene Simmons is the awesome one. He breathes fire. Spits blood. Wears platform shoes so motivated it’s like he’s walking around on two little stages.

He isn’t kidding around:

Turn it up. Hungry

for the medicine. Two-fisted

to the very end.

— ‘I Love It Loud’ by KISS (1982)

Gene Simmons is so mighty he makes you break the rules of poetry. When you try to make a haiku of his lyrics, the middle line doesn’t scan.

Anyways. Third from the left below.

In the gag version, the signatures aren’t under the right guys.

Look, Gene Simmons is classy. Ask Terry Gross. Just don’t try to click on the interview at NPR.org:

Audio for this segment is unavailable for legal reasons.

What is available?

Life insurance products for the wicked well-off via Cool Springs Life co-founder Gene Simmons.

I feel good about this.

Because Gene Simmons is the mastermind of merch. Books. TV. KISS fragrances. KISS collectible wine. KISS high performance ear buds. KISS logo trailer hitch covers. The Lord of Rock framed 24 karat gold-plated LP. KISS baby shoes (the extended tongue was a nice touch).

All fine and good.

But it takes more than KISS Destroyer diaper bag sales to keep Gene Simmons in cold cream.

Based in Franklin, Tenn., the (Cool Springs Life) is engaged in providing life insurance to wealthy Americans and foreign nationals through a proprietary premium finance platform known as ‘The Cool Springs Life Equity Strategy.’

Right on. Maybe I can do my part as a consumer. I could use some high cash value life insurance, for example. But I’d also like help arranging a loan to pay the premiums. Hmm.

Cool Springs Life partners with the most reputable and respected life insurance carriers to offer you access to products that can provide extraordinary cash value accumulation. These products have historically exceeded the projected borrowing costs for this product.

Just don’t waste anybody’s time, a near-haiku warns:

Cool Springs is designed

for individuals with …

over $20 million …

— ‘Request More Information’ by Cool Springs Life LLC (2011)

Nuts. Last line is over by a syllable. Meanwhile, I’m under by roughly $20 million.

At least, thanks to Gene Simmons and YouTube, I can rock out for free.

Let’s do this thing:

NPR interview hat tippage: Erim Foster at Erim.net