Dozens of Americans cannot calculate the airspeed velocity of unladen swallows, identify witches beyond the shadow of a doubt, or deal with the French.
They live with a secret shame – they have never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Some of them will even try to hide the secrecy of their shame by talking about it when you ask them to do that.
To prepare this very special Belligerent Q&A, I traded emails and Facebook messages with three people who have never seen the movie. To ground this live wire of an endeavor, I also questioned one person who has seen this film.
Q. Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he (or she) see. What is your name?
My name is Judy.
Q: What is your quest?
I’d love to find our missing iPod Touch.
Q: What is your favorite color?
My favorite color is green.
Right. Off you go.
When Judy Le of Norfolk, Va., isn’t successfully crossing the Bridge of Death and thus avoiding being hurled into the volcanic gorge below, she is the assistant director of presentation overseeing joint ventures at The Virginian-Pilot, the finest newspaper in the great Commonwealth of Virginia. She noted:
I haven’t seen the movie because I don’t have a good sense of that kind of humor.
Next …
Q: What is your name?
Elisabeth Anne.
Q: What is your quest?
My quest, my quest, to find the Holy Grail/and this, and this I shall not fail.
Q: What is the capital of Assyria?
(Overly expressive language omitted.)
Q: What is the capital of Assyria?
Sigh. Bassyria, seriously.
Elisabeth Anne King, who taught second graders for 10 years, now runs a daycare center. She lives in Westerly, R.I., when she is not being hurled into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Would have accepted Assur. Also Ninevah. Possibly Nimrud. Shubat-Enlil is pushing it. So are Kalhu (the ancient name of Nimrud) and Dur-Sharrukin. But there were options, you see.
Q: Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he (or she) see. What is your name?`
Andrea. Is that it?
Q: That’s just the first question. What is your quest?
Worldwide women’s freedom of oppression.
Q: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
That is not an important piece of trivia I would know. However, I would guess 30 mph.
P.S. That question is weird.
When not being hurled into the gorge, Andrea Wells Latham of Virginia Beach, Va., is co-owner of Ice Art Inc.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing David Kidd, a scholar from Norfolk, Va.
Q: What is your name?
I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Or you can call me David, beloved of the LORD. Doesn’t get much better than that for epithets.
Q: What is your quest?
I seek the faulty Brazil – or whatever other cool mistake auto corrections can give.
Q: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
(A long period of Facebook silence follows; Kidd is dealing with his kids.)
Q: Dave?
Wha – An African swallow or a European swallow?
Q: I don’t know — (Thrown into gorge.)
Le, King, and Latham, will receive a DVD copy of a film they obviously need to see – Places in the Heart, starring Sally Field, Danny Glover, Ed Harris, and John Malkovich, who acts with his customary subtlety and grace as Mr. Will.
Just kidding. Monty Python and the Holy Grail it is. And just in the nick of time.
Kidd, meanwhile, will have the glory of second-hand quotes to keep him warm.
John-Henry Doucette 
