Tag Archives: ambrose bierce

Wisdom, Vol. IV: The theft of Ambrose Bierce-isms walks among us


PORTSMOUTH, Va. – Another batch of emulations of entries in The Devil’s Dictionary.

This was my main writing exercise last night, when I had a block of time to do a few of them. I like this exercise a lot. It makes me think about what words mean, what they mean in different contexts, and what they don’t mean.

The cynicism of these aside, there’s also generally a pattern to what Bierce did and what I try to do when I write these. Not quite a formula. Anyway.

Feel free to add entries to the comments either below or at this permanent link, where older entries have been placed. Nobody’s taken me up on that, but perhaps offering what nobody wants is the sort of against the grain thinking Bierce might have liked.

achievement  A statement of adequacy most notable for prolonging the use of paper.

annexation  A means of keeping one’s rivals close.

attraction  In the fields of entertainment and matrimony, the power that ultimately results in butts in seats.

bard  A singer of  the traditional art, compliance.

base  The center of man, largely comprised of the digestive organs and resultant substances.

beggar  A friend, indeed.

borrower  A generous soul who invest in others.

commentator  An ass trained to emit the usual sounds at a greater volume.

confidence man  A mathematician who teaches other men their value.

essay  A thesis in so many words.

graft  A most dependable oiler deployed as a support to the flotilla of commerce.

grift  The most common transaction in a bull market.

hiccup  An echo of swallowed resolve.

homily  The dust that comes off when old words are shaken.

innocence  In the American justice system, one maintains this until they are proven.

mustache  An ingenious device that can be grown by its wearer to catch mucus when the skull becomes full.

proponent  The principal heir to a disputed outcome.

reverence  A silent demonstration that allows one’s dream to displace another’s sense.

salute  A sign of respect shown to the superior officer and an acknowledgement that another is wearing his hat.

sentence  At best, a means of doing justice to men and words.

suspicion  The most potent spell cast by reason.

theft  The highest form of flattery.

versatility  The ability to have a hand in multiple pockets.

vote  In America, by a certain age, each man or woman is entrusted with multiples of one; sadly, this was not always the case.

wallet  Where scruples of varying denominations are corralled.

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Wisdom, Vol. III: The theft of Ambrose Bierce-isms returns


PORTSMOUTH, Va. – Another batch of emulations of entries in The Devil’s Dictionary. Feel free to add entries to the comments either below or at this permanent link, where older entries have been placed. I try to come up with a couple of these before I start my writing or homework. Sometimes they get the juices flowing. Other times are other times.

bank  The arena in which money conspires against its owner, pending withdrawal.

buttock  A special paddock where unsolicited advice grazes and runs among its kind.

capital  1. Where the best ideas of a republic are heaped until the ones on the bottom and in the middle can no longer move. 2. The blood of the republic, regarded for its ability to clot only in select locations.

darkness  A vast blanket that warms all ambition.

foot soldier  In any army, a tankless job.

heel  1. The weakest part of an ancient warrior. 2. The most electable part of a modern society.

invasion  A great quest announced by one great trumpet and concluded in many little pockets.

mortgage  A means of buying today what will be lost tomorrow.

politician  A practitioner of situational idealism, the best of whom give displeased constituents directions to their neighbors’ houses.

politics  1. A chief means of monetizing duty. 2. An arena in which both contestants wear the same uniform. 3. An elaborate employment program providing for the second cousin of greatness.

privacy  The chamber into which a man withdraws from his friends for the purpose of devising their undoing.

robe  What a judge wears to hide his or her intentions.

rope  A tether fitted at birth, length to be determined.

scuffle  A conversation expressed by hand.

veil  An item worn once per marriage.

werewolf  A foolish myth with no basis in reality; rather, men grow more devilish at the new moon, when it is slightly harder to be seen.*

 

* Bierce’s definition: WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human for during the night. “The next time that you take a wolf,” the good man said, “see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a Lutheran.”

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Wisdom, Vol. II: Continuing the theft of Ambrose Bierce-isms


PORTSMOUTH, Va. – Another batch of emulations of entries in The Devil’s Dictionary. Feel free to add entries to the comments either below or at this permanent link. I try to come up with a couple of these before I start my writing or homework. Sometimes they get the juices flowing. Other times are other times.

action  What one takes only when they are taken.

bounty  An investment in collection plates.

children  An endearment applied by men to progeny and peers.

conspiracy  Any endeavor from which you are excluded.

fairly  How I say what you should say.

fold  The orderly form into which men are brought before they are shelved.

gift  The loan with the highest interest.

jury  A temporary means of ensuring a dozen citizens harm no more than one of their peers.

kitchen  1. The courthouse in which too many cooks judge themselves. 2. Where the takeout is quietly plated.

musical  A play in which performers tunefully say the usual lies.

musical chairs  A game that teaches children about governance.

offense  The only thing left to take when logic has been removed.

property  When you have what I’ll have.

reality  What television says is on.

scrutiny  1. Applied to you, a consideration of possibility. 2. Applied by you, the certainty to be considered.

slogan  Any phrase coined in the pursuit of coin.

subdivision  The latest development in agricultural science.

subpoena  The means by which the commonwealth comes to recognize individuality.

truth  In any given tongue, the currency of the speaker whose father coined it.

victory  What happened just as you said it did.

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Wisdom, Vol. I: With apologies to Ambrose Bierce


PORTSMOUTH, Va. – With apologies to Ambrose Bierce, here is one of my favorite exercises — attempts to emulate entries in The Devil’s Dictionary. Feel free to add entries to the comments either below or at this permanent link. I wrote these this morning before I got to my other writing.

A

advantage  What’s that behind you?

B

bargain  1. In a seller’s market, the cost of business done to the buyer. 2. In a buyer’s market, theft.

beehive  Upon feeling the sting of Cupid’s arrow, that into which one inserts her hand.

C

conscience  1. A rarity discovered later. 2. The chief byproduct of scrutiny.

F

first man out  Got the memo.

friends  What you have when you have.

L

last man out  When you come to, do get the lights.

last man standing  The mathematical term denoting the relationship between three men and two chairs.

P

propaganda  What he said about what I said.

R

revolution  Deck chairs don’t rearrange themselves.

rhetoric  1. The use of language toward your end. 2. After Quintilian, a good man speaking well enough.

S

second man out  Caught on when the first man hurdled him.

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