Wisdom, Vol. III: The theft of Ambrose Bierce-isms returns

PORTSMOUTH, Va. – Another batch of emulations of entries in The Devil’s Dictionary. Feel free to add entries to the comments either below or at this permanent link, where older entries have been placed. I try to come up with a couple of these before I start my writing or homework. Sometimes they get the juices flowing. Other times are other times.

bank  The arena in which money conspires against its owner, pending withdrawal.

buttock  A special paddock where unsolicited advice grazes and runs among its kind.

capital  1. Where the best ideas of a republic are heaped until the ones on the bottom and in the middle can no longer move. 2. The blood of the republic, regarded for its ability to clot only in select locations.

darkness  A vast blanket that warms all ambition.

foot soldier  In any army, a tankless job.

heel  1. The weakest part of an ancient warrior. 2. The most electable part of a modern society.

invasion  A great quest announced by one great trumpet and concluded in many little pockets.

mortgage  A means of buying today what will be lost tomorrow.

politician  A practitioner of situational idealism, the best of whom give displeased constituents directions to their neighbors’ houses.

politics  1. A chief means of monetizing duty. 2. An arena in which both contestants wear the same uniform. 3. An elaborate employment program providing for the second cousin of greatness.

privacy  The chamber into which a man withdraws from his friends for the purpose of devising their undoing.

robe  What a judge wears to hide his or her intentions.

rope  A tether fitted at birth, length to be determined.

scuffle  A conversation expressed by hand.

veil  An item worn once per marriage.

werewolf  A foolish myth with no basis in reality; rather, men grow more devilish at the new moon, when it is slightly harder to be seen.*

 

* Bierce’s definition: WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human for during the night. “The next time that you take a wolf,” the good man said, “see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a Lutheran.”

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