Wisdom, Vol. II: Continuing the theft of Ambrose Bierce-isms

PORTSMOUTH, Va. – Another batch of emulations of entries in The Devil’s Dictionary. Feel free to add entries to the comments either below or at this permanent link. I try to come up with a couple of these before I start my writing or homework. Sometimes they get the juices flowing. Other times are other times.

action  What one takes only when they are taken.

bounty  An investment in collection plates.

children  An endearment applied by men to progeny and peers.

conspiracy  Any endeavor from which you are excluded.

fairly  How I say what you should say.

fold  The orderly form into which men are brought before they are shelved.

gift  The loan with the highest interest.

jury  A temporary means of ensuring a dozen citizens harm no more than one of their peers.

kitchen  1. The courthouse in which too many cooks judge themselves. 2. Where the takeout is quietly plated.

musical  A play in which performers tunefully say the usual lies.

musical chairs  A game that teaches children about governance.

offense  The only thing left to take when logic has been removed.

property  When you have what I’ll have.

reality  What television says is on.

scrutiny  1. Applied to you, a consideration of possibility. 2. Applied by you, the certainty to be considered.

slogan  Any phrase coined in the pursuit of coin.

subdivision  The latest development in agricultural science.

subpoena  The means by which the commonwealth comes to recognize individuality.

truth  In any given tongue, the currency of the speaker whose father coined it.

victory  What happened just as you said it did.

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