Tag Archives: why we have the internet

Why We Have the Internet, Vol. V: Smells so famitazic on the puplic [sic] edition


PORTSMOUTH, Va. — Sometimes there is a little too much Christmas stocking to stuff, and that may be marked the moment in which a parent reaches for the Avon product.

Such as Mesmerize® brand roll-on anti-persperent deodorant, a scent so alluring it sells for 99 cents online. Among its selling points? A promise:

Non-stinging.

And, dear customer, always remember:

Ask a doctor before use if you have kidney disease.

It just so happens that I came into a little Mesmerize during a recent trip to the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. I can’t bring myself to let it go. The container is fun to look at — R2-D2’s head comes off to reveal a roll-on. And the name — as my poor family can attest — is really fun to say like Christopher Walken.

So I turned to the web to research this product, and I learned I am not alone in appreciating Mesmerize. The deodorant has garnered nine five-star reviews compared to a solitary one-star snivel.

Here’s Slaaneshgod of Great Falls, Mont., who will be back later in the post:

I had a friend of mine give me some of the cologne and I love it. I work with the puplic [sic] and women love this scent.

However, it is the parent spray cologne ($20; but now on sale for $12.99) — presumably the same scent as the roll-on — that draws out testimonials that totally are not written by people whose paycheck says Avon over the watermark.

A sampling follows. All spellings have been maintained in their natural form.

Katstuff of Ellenton, Fla., confides that even Bible study groups in the Sunshine State are selective because they have needs:

We are in a small Bible study group on Tuesday’s and my husband isn’t allowed in unless he has his Mesmerize on. The ladies all love it.

You’re going to get past this, BC92 of California:

My ex boyfriend wore it, and every time I think about him I always remember how GOOD he smelled.

Jack of Northern Indiana reminds us that it’s not how you find Mesmerize, but that you find Mesmerize:

I stumbled across this scent completely by accident; someone had discarded some within some remaining items in my present flat. When I smelled it it seemed too good to be true [...]

Big Mike of Meadville, Pa., adds:

FAMITAZIC SECENT [double sic]

Reedj of Atlanta’s review:

A great colone [sic], not to stiffling [sic] but just right.

Jacinto of New York, N.Y., thinks people actually want to feel this way:

I am not a person who purchase high price or famous brans [sic] cologne. But while wearing this, you will feel you are paying lots of money.

And this one is from Philly:

I SPENT $100’S ON WELL KNOWN EXPENSIVE COLOGNES, BUT NEVER RECEIVED SO MUCH COMPLEMENTS WHEN I WEAR MY MESMERIZE.THE NAME IT SELF SAYS EVERYTHING, YOU TRULY BECOME A MESMERIZED MAN WHEN PEOPLE PASS YOU BY AND SAY “YOU SMELLS REALLY GOOD ,WHAT IS IT ?”

Slaaneshgod of Great Falls, Mont., is back, and he may be bragging about his job:

I work in a strip club and i can tell you that the ladies love the scent.

Slaaneshgod is also apparently really into Warhammer. But which is it Slaaneshgod? Do you work in a strip club or with the puplic?

Playing us out is System of  a Down. I was going to go with something off Mesmerize, but “Hypnotize” is a better song to celebrate the perfect scent for when you’re just sitting in your car and waiting for your girl:

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Why We Have the Internet, Vol. IV: Hey Kids, It’s A Very Special Hugh Anthony Cregg III & Co. Labor Day Retrospective! Edition


PORTSMOUTH, Va. — To get in the Labor Day mood and because the blog’s Wayback Machine recently was repossessed for non payment — yo, Imaginary Board of Directors, why do I pretend to bankroll you bums? — I’ve harnessed the power of the Internet to revisit the economic past.

This past has a soundtrack by one of Patrick Bateman‘s favorite bands.

Back we go to the days after a man changed his professional name to Huey Lewis because Hugh Anthony Cregg III and the Announcements of Certain Aspects of Events Most Pressing in Importance would not fit on the merch. Can you imagine the embroidered navy golf towel ($20), blue triangle laptop skin ($29.95) or the black ceramic coffee mug ($15) with all that on it? Neither could they. Then, a laptop was where you might let your steady gal rest oh-so chastely after the sock hop. T’was a simpler time. Even actors knew their place.

We’ve got a 9.1 percent unemployment these days, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. But, in 1982, there were tough economic times, too. The annual unemployment rate (though it cannot be exactly compared to the current rate for some reason involving statistics, data and blah blah blah) was 9.7 percent, and crept over 10 percent, as per The New York Times.

But then something happened. A man with a harmonica sang this:

Hundred dollar car note

Two hundred rent.

I get a check on Friday,

But it’s already spent.

Sports followed in 1983. It does not address the workplace. But the labor market was improving to the tune of “I Want A New Drug”:

Why do we work? Motivation. In 1987, Cregg & Co. released “Doing It All For My Baby.” This came amid a year of strong job gains, with a jobless rate of 6.2 percent. Unemployment even dipped below 6 percent, as The Monthly Labor Review reported the following year.

And 1987 also was one of the last recorded times a video showed its attractive model as little as possible in favor of a lead singer made up like an old man:

In 1991, the national unemployment rate had risen from 5.6 percent to 6.8 percent. With another recession afoot, America was pooped. It wanted “A Couple Days Off.”

Cregg & Co. were delighted to oblige.

Which brings us closer to our time, meaning the almost present, which is only now-ish if you are not reading this later in an amazingly farfetched future in which these meandering posts get as many hits as do Belligerent Q&As.

The year was 2007. A duet version of an old song features Lewis and … Chris Gaines himself! So be it.

Meanwhile, annual unemployment was at 4.6 percent. What could possibly go wrong? Some thought the U.S. economy would crash.

Today?

Well, I am pleased to announce that Cregg & Co. are on Twitter. Have been for days. Really. So we’ve got that.

Believe me when i tell you

It gets a little rough

We work a little harder

But it never is enough

Enjoy your weekend. It’s all gonna be okay. I’ve got a bead on a used DeLorean. I’ll go back and warn somebody. Or bet on sports.

P.S. Every bass player should look like Mario Cipollina.

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Why we have the Internet, Vol. II: Disemboweled Tauntaun Edition


With George Lucas returning his Star Wars films, in 3-D, to theaters beginning next year, I’ve considered whether I should begin saving up for a ticket, rather than, let’s say, Old Dominion University tuition or food for my family.

Since I learned the first will be The Phantom Menace, I think I’m still state school-bound – in part, because I’ve found grad school as warming as the innards of an ice planet transport animal. Please click that link, and consider that this packaging come-on sounds an awful lot like sad, on-the-nose Star Wars dialogue:

Now with open belly rescue feature!

Because, you see, they redesigned it.

I suspect the problem with the The Phantom Menace is that – in addition to already being repackaged and redeployed to theaters a few short years after introducing the subatomic suck bomb of Jar Jar – it lacks the vision of improving certain tie-in toys by disemboweling them.

Still, Star Wars remains a cultural touchstone, though some of the most interesting ideas from the SW universe are not Lucas-originated. Also, they’re online. Consider what a gift it is …

To order this and deliver it unto me, S&H be damned.

To look at this whilst considering the progress of man as expressed by our arts.

To criticize this. And this. And this. Also, this. Oh, this, too.

And to pity the owner of this.

Did someone order this?

Mr. Internet keeps Star Wars interesting despite itself.

Hat tips: ThinkGeek, Awesome Internet Site, That’s Nerdalicious, Technabob, Geek.com, and the Star Wars Collector Archive

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