Wisdom

With apologies to Ambrose Bierce, this collects one of my favorite exercises — attempts to emulate his entries in The Devil’s Dictionary.

A

action  What one takes only when they are taken.

achievement  A statement of adequacy most notable for prolonging the use of paper.

advantage  What’s that behind you?

annexation  A means of keeping one’s rivals close.

attraction  In the fields of entertainment and matrimony, the power that ultimately results in butts in seats.

B

bank  The arena in which money conspires against its owner, pending withdrawal.

bard  A singer of  the traditional art, compliance.

bargain  1. In a seller’s market, the cost of business done to the buyer. 2. In a buyer’s market, theft.

base  The center of man, largely comprised of the digestive organs and resultant substances.

beggar  A friend, indeed.

beehive  Upon feeling the sting of Cupid’s arrow, that into which one inserts her hand.

borrower  A generous soul who invest in others.

bounty  An investment in collection plates.

buttock  A special paddock where unsolicited advice grazes and runs among its kind.

C

capital  1. Where the best ideas of a republic are heaped until the ones on the bottom and in the middle can no longer move. 2. The blood of the republic, regarded for its ability to clot only in select locations.

children  An endearment applied by men to progeny and peers.

commentator  An ass trained to emit the usual sounds at a greater volume.

confidence man  A mathematician who teaches other men their value.

conscience  1. A rarity discovered later. 2. The chief byproduct of scrutiny.

conspiracy  Any endeavor from which you are excluded.

D

darkness  A vast blanket that warms all ambition.

distraction  See advantage.

E

essay  A thesis in so many words.

F

fairly  How I say what you should say.

first man out  Got the memo.

fold  1. The orderly form into which men are brought before they are shelved. 2. The proper shape of agreement.

foot soldier  In any army, a tankless job.

friends  What you have when you have.

G

gift  The loan with the highest interest.

graft  A most dependable oiler deployed as a support to the flotilla of commerce.

grift  The most common transaction in a bull market.

H

heel  1. The weakest part of an ancient warrior. 2. The most electable part of a modern society.

hiccup  An echo of swallowed resolve.

homily  The dust that comes off when old words are shaken.

I

innocence  In the American justice system, one maintains this until they are proven.

invasion  A great quest announced by one great trumpet and concluded in many little pockets.

J

jury  A temporary means of ensuring a dozen citizens harm no more than one of their peers.

K

kitchen  1. The courthouse in which too many cooks judge themselves. 2. Where the takeout is quietly plated.

L

last man out  When you come to, do get the lights.

last man standing  The mathematical term denoting the relationship between three men and two chairs.

M

musical  A play in which performers tunefully say the usual lies.

mustache  An ingenious device that can be grown by its wearer to catch mucus when the skull becomes full.

mortgage  A means of buying today what will be lost tomorrow.

musical chairs  A game that teaches children about governance.

O

offense  The only thing left to take when logic has been removed.

P

politician  A practitioner of situational idealism, the best of whom give displeased constituents directions to their neighbors’ houses.

politics  1. A chief means of monetizing duty. 2. An arena in which both contestants wear the same uniform. 3. An elaborate employment program providing for the second cousin of greatness.

privacy  The chamber into which a man withdraws from his friends for the purpose of devising their undoing.

propaganda  What he said about what I said.

property  When you have what I’ll have.

proponent  The principal heir to a disputed outcome.

R

reality  What television says is on.

reverence  A silent demonstration that allows one’s dream to displace another’s sense.

revolution  Deck chairs don’t rearrange themselves.

rhetoric  1. The use of language toward your end. 2. After Quintilian, a good man speaking well enough.

robe  What a judge wears to hide his or her intentions.

rope  A tether fitted at birth, length to be determined.

S

salute  A sign of respect shown to the superior officer and an acknowledgement that another is wearing his hat.

scrutiny  1. Applied to you, a consideration of possibility. 2. Applied by you, the certainty to be considered.

scuffle  A conversation expressed by hand.

second man out  Caught on when the first man hurdled him.

sentence  At best, a means of doing justice to men and words.

slogan  Any phrase coined in the pursuit of coin.

subdivision  The latest development in agricultural science.

subpoena  The means by which the commonwealth comes to recognize individuality.

suspicion  The most potent spell cast by reason.

T

theft  The highest form of flattery.

truth  In any given tongue, the currency of the speaker whose father coined it.

V

veil  An item worn once per marriage.

versatility  The ability to have a hand in multiple pockets.

victory  What happened just as you said it did.

vote  In America, by a certain age, each man or woman is entrusted with multiples of one; sadly, this was not always the case.

W

wallet  Where scruples of varying denominations are corralled.

werewolf  A foolish myth with no basis in reality; rather, men grow more devilish at the new moon, when it is slightly harder to be seen.*

 

* Bierce’s definition: WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human for during the night. “The next time that you take a wolf,” the good man said, “see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a Lutheran.”